Voice 49 – Felix Monet

Here you go, a tutorial on how to put so much effort into a night out that the sheer scale of planning and graft will successfully destroy any spontaneous fun you might otherwise have had at the event itself.

But, you know, the voice.

Thanks to Katie for the rec.

Voice 48 – Russell Means

Ack, okay, lets ignore his advocacy of veganism and mineral water as a treatment for cancer, because I can’t even. He has a nice voice.

Thanks to Anish for the suggestion.

Voice 47 – the man with the haptic pen

This video goes up in tribute to my pal who started talking about haptics when I told him about my thing with voices, and made me feel profound, as opposed to compulsive and peculiar, by saying I was responding to the texture of sound in a stronger way than other people. Well, aren’t I a sensual mofo.

Besides that, this pen is just cool. Although it’s funny that they’re trying so hard to recreate the click of a camera shutter button for digital cameras and touchscreens, given that in a few years no one will even remember what it’s like to use a real shutter button. Then people will moan about how inauthentic all this clicking stuff is and how it just doesn’t feel right and they miss when all you got when you touched the screen was the faint sensation of static. Ah, the good old days.

 

Now pass the jump for an unbelievably creepy video about a jacket that allows you to cuddle yourself, which is not remotely soothing. More

Voice 46 – Reggie Oliver

Thanks to Chris Bauer for sending this in. I classify this in the genre of “classic soothe”. Basically just lots of crisp consonants and unthreatening poshness. I particularly like the completely unalarming way in which he introduces a Jack the Ripper related passage with “here’s a rather dramatic one in which he tries to strangle the heroine.” It reminds of the six-fingered man from The Princess Bride introducing ghastly torture to the hero as if he’s apologising for a below-par pot of tea.

And it’s a whole THIRTY DAMN HELL MINUTES of it. Yeah, I said damn hell, cos I’m bad.

Tweet me @buddle

Voice 45 – Some guy who contemplates stones. Yay pretentious!

Yeah, he likes stones. Look, here’s a book about them. Check out the pictures. Ah, he made them himself! I think. Well well.

Thanks to Harley for the recommendation.

Tweet me @ebuddle

Voice 44 – Derek Lance Jefferson. Pure odd.

Okay, before you watch this, I’m not gonna lie. It doesn’t really qualify by my barometer of soothing. But I had to put it up because it marks a benchmark of sorts for this blog. This is the first “voice” that’s been suggested to my by the actual person in the video. Yeah, they basically sent me an audition tape.

Anyway, thanks for the submission Derek, which is duly commemorated in this post. I’ll be honest, I don’t really know what the heck you’re talking about in the video (something about walking in beauty with the Wayans brothers), but your diction is lovely and I’m quite ill today so the sheer surreality of it really tickled my delirium, of which I’m always a fan. So thanks for that. I’ve come over all Lynchian.

And if you think you’ve got a voice to sedate a nation, tweet me @ebuddle

Voice 43 – hushlittleladyyy

I’m not really sure what’s going on here, as everyone in the comments on youtube, and indeed Laurene Bennett, who emailed me this link, all seem convinced that this girl has some kind of exotic accent vastly contributing to her soothingly dulcet tones.

Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I think the exact accent you’re looking for is “mumbling British teenager” (in fact, and I’m possibly stretching my accent recognition skills here, but I’d say she’s from somewhere around Bristol). This breed isn’t known for its soothing qualities, but this one, username hushlittleladyyy, incredibly does get away with it.

Voice 43 – Guy talking about Hertz

I don’t think I could put this any more eloquently than Giles Hardisty, who emailed me this video:

“I had to watch it for homework and I was like woooah.”

Voice 42 – Carrie Underwood

Yes, the advert is completely and utterly ludicrous. For example, did you know that “you see more and more that people are having problems with sun damage”? It’s so true. Don’t you just miss those pre-dystopian days of the year long rolling eclipses? Man, I was so mad when it suddenly started being day all the time. I just thought to myself “God, now what am I going to do? All that sun damage will play havoc with my skincare routine.” So thank God for Carrie Underwood and Olay.

Also, Carrie reveals to us that “when my skin is clear and moisturised, and my make-up’s on”, she feels like she can do and achieve anything. Yeah, you tell it like it is Carrie! Fuck those years of education in journalism. That shit did squat for your self esteem. It’s all about the cherry blossom lipstick in your purse. It’s unfortunate, when you think about it. Because you’re essentially one mugging away from being that miserable, over-educated and un-preened young woman you must have been before Olay quashed all those silly myths about skincare not being the be all and end all of a woman’s worth.

Still, nice voice.

Voice 41 – Isabelle Adjani

Obvo, she’s French innit?

Check her out in La Reine Margot and Camille Claudel if you haven’t already. Clips from both if you read on.  More

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